Pulling the Curtain on #mydressmychoice

So, they finally found a way to bowl using a golf-ball...eureka! By now, you might have had about the ranting activists trending the hashtag #mydressmychoice on the social site that actually matters, twitter.

You see, it all started when a lady was shamelessly stripped down to her most artistic state by illiterate hooligans at the Embassava bus stop a few days ago. There was another similar barbaric incident at Mombasa and some sneaky rumours here and there to follow it up.

Unfortunately, we Kenyans (and in this context human and women rights activists) are so myopic that we think that unrelentlessly demonstrating against women being undignified in the most uncouth public way warrants approval, far from it! If we think that this incident is the cancer in society, we have another thing coming.

To give my two cents on the issue, I think that deciding to wear mini skirts as a revolt against incident is like using a sellotape to silence an unbearable parrot. The miniskirts will not land the criminals who disgraced the unfortanate lady jail sentences and neither will they offer any solace to the girl(s) in form of justice. In fact, they might as well be sticking it to the man and forgetting why they are incensed in the first place.

The outcry should be directed towards the government in order to pressure the criminal and justice system to prosecute the pigs caught on tape sexually assaulting an independent woman free to make her own choices. And to think that the media was a buzz with a couple of geniuses claiming that the lady deserved the humiliation because she was dressed 'inappropriately'. They may have a point though, dressing 'inappropriately' leads to rape and sexual assault as much as guns kill people and spoons make us fat.

Furthermore, the irony that some of the angered men do not even have the decency to cover their derriers in the name of sagging -let us call it swag- and moreover, only chase short skirts is not lost on me.

The problem with this outcry is that it started when a lady was stripped in the streets. So with all due respect, forget rape, forget FGM, forget forced and early marriages......the vicious attack on the fashion industry should be prioritized.

The thing with society is that the resourceful always have their say and have their way. Decades have seen rural girls exposed to the most vile practices in form of genital mutilation and forced marriages. Whilst the revolt was understandably humongous because of the rise of women in politics, it has since died down because sadly, Turkana girls are not known for having twitter accounts.

In addition, majority of rape cases involve girls who are destitute in some way or another, be it poor, orphaned or fearful to speak out against the oppressive patriachs in society. I am yet to see women gather in Uhuru park because an orphaned six-year old has been raped.

However, now that majority of women are at a risk of being sexually harrased and seriously assaulted simply because a sexually starved tout has decided that he has seen beautifully oiled knees, they speak out. I laugh both sorrowfully and sarcastically.

They did well to use #mydressmychoice instead of #ourdressourchoice. I am all for the unifying initiative but do not kid yourselves that you are standing up for all women in your very selfish and hypocritical demonstration.So, if the cap fits....wear it!

To The Victor

I have made many serious mistakes in life and my outfit today was one of them. You see, wearing white linen pants on a rainy day in Nairobi's muddy and treacherous streets is not a choice made by dignified and rational thinkers. It got me thinking about the many times my impulsive thinking has had my foot up my delicates.

Perhaps such are the nitty gritties that land me in my usual conundrums with members of the fairer sex. Let me first point out that everything about my physical appearance is quite average; except for my unrefined charisma. Yet, paradoxically, I seem to be irresistable to ladies I could care less about...... oh, the irony!

It is exactly this kind of predicament that has led me to deduce some types of girls who make the first approach (and I speak for most men) that I would rather do frog-jumps all day than date.

1. Hunter
Men, as a general rule, are patriachs and hunters by nature who go for what they truly want. Therefore, it is no surprise really that men are not prima facié attracted to females who put all their cards on the table in the shape of risking a blatant rejection.

There is nothing like a dame in shining armour taking your words right out of your mouth and leaving you dumbfounded. A statement of intent by the lady to wear the pants in the relationship is disrespectful to the millions of boys who lack the cojones to ask the girl out let alone profess their love for a girl. Utter disrepect!

2. The Showboat
She is the confident but sassy leech who is hell bent on crushing all the ego a man possesses courtesy of his God given testesterone.

Whether it be by her success, intelligence or beauty, she is outspoken in her unequivocal search for the man of her dreams.

You can be sure that this omnipotent species is not only here to steal your thunder but also to make you feel like your genitals are part of a mediocre decoration to promote underwear sales.

3. The Needy
Apparently, yours truly is haunted by the kind of women who hang by a man's every word and action. They are the kind of women that make the nosy busybody curious about love spells and black magic.

Do not get me wrong, it repulses no man to feel wanted, needed and attractive. However, it is all fun and games until your conversations begin with merry christmas wishes and end with flirty remarks that scream sexual harrassment!

4. Sly
It is quite perplexing that the last group of predators should have the propensity of a nonchalant fox but that is just the way of the world.

They consider the attributes mentioned above as juvenile and primitive because they possess a higher intelligence quotient (this is a polite way of saying that they have been to college).

They assess the men they fancy, come up with a strategy then work it to perfection. They might even ocassionally play the 'hard to get' card. Once they get you hook, line and sinker, the curtains come down on the charade...and behold.....it is the needy, showboating go-getter in the outfit and jewellery you both picked out for her on her birthday.

Sadly in this case, to the victor - the spoils..!

Dodging the Bullet

My squeakish girly screams in addition to my fear of rodents recently led my neighbour to believe that I am in the habit of entertaining young damsels in distress. While I am in no hurry to correct his assumption, his reprehensive tone pointed out that he was not particularly fond of ill-bred girls (the girls our mums warn us about). Seeing as he was in no mood to cut me some slack, I did my fake "walk of shame" back to my room and slammed the door shut.

The short experience got me thinking about the bad qualities these girls possess to be considered the bad apples of their beautiful kind.... take notes!

1. Slut
It goes without saying that these girls are the most popular in any setting. Although they are less vulnerable to heart-breaks due to the amount of time their legs spend apart, no sane man would bring such a whore to meet his mother. In addition, the fact that men speak of them like they're a piece of meat would make even a rat want to swallow rat poison.

2. Dreamer
Martin Luther King Jr. would turn in his grave if he ever saw a dreamer regarded as a bad apple. However, this lot is the vivacious dreamer and you come second to her dream any day of the week. Woe unto you if the dream fails to materialize. 'Till death do us part' with a bitter, washed-up wanna-be is the worst possible nightmare for any self-respecting man because playing doctor with a girl who cries regrettably afterwards requires divine intervention.

3. Immature
Naturally, women are wired to mature faster and subconsciously fashion a world where a family can thrive. However, life ocassionally throws you a shopaholic, bi-polar cry-baby who treats your female cousin like a potential concubine of yours. Calling such a girl a "working progress" is like calling Warren Buffet an old, little gambler who wears a bow-tie.

4. Holier Than Thou
Spirituality is a good aspect in a person because it tends to give one a moral compass in life. Regardless, too much of anything is poisonous. It is all fun and games until she forbids you from watching football with the boys and has you contributing a fortune to buy the pastor a mercedez benz to rival the probox you recently acquired on a fixed-asset loan. When that happens my dear brother, run!

5. Dumb
There is a reason they name a low intelligence quotient after a disabling human condition. In this category, let us just say that if brains were illegal, they would probably have a clear conscience. You see, beauty tramples brains any day but unless the lady is Beyoncé herself, you are better off with a prostitute. Ignorance may be bliss to the ignorant, but to others, it is just ignorance.
It is one thing to have had your knowledge never go to college and quite another to make your man believe that some village has actually lost its idiot.

6. Submissive
This may raise a few eyebrows because it is more tacky than it is repulsive.
As a general rule, men are conquerers and enjoy being in the driver's seat, both figuratively and literally.
However, asking to name your newborn after your favourite actor is quite different from asking if you can use the bathroom.
Okay, am stretching it a bit, but you get my point.

When all is said and done dear girls, each of you is tainted with one of the above flaws. However, what fortune for you that you can hide it from us for we blokes are not the sharpest tools in the box.