Dodging the Bullet

My squeakish girly screams in addition to my fear of rodents recently led my neighbour to believe that I am in the habit of entertaining young damsels in distress. While I am in no hurry to correct his assumption, his reprehensive tone pointed out that he was not particularly fond of ill-bred girls (the girls our mums warn us about). Seeing as he was in no mood to cut me some slack, I did my fake "walk of shame" back to my room and slammed the door shut.

The short experience got me thinking about the bad qualities these girls possess to be considered the bad apples of their beautiful kind.... take notes!

1. Slut
It goes without saying that these girls are the most popular in any setting. Although they are less vulnerable to heart-breaks due to the amount of time their legs spend apart, no sane man would bring such a whore to meet his mother. In addition, the fact that men speak of them like they're a piece of meat would make even a rat want to swallow rat poison.

2. Dreamer
Martin Luther King Jr. would turn in his grave if he ever saw a dreamer regarded as a bad apple. However, this lot is the vivacious dreamer and you come second to her dream any day of the week. Woe unto you if the dream fails to materialize. 'Till death do us part' with a bitter, washed-up wanna-be is the worst possible nightmare for any self-respecting man because playing doctor with a girl who cries regrettably afterwards requires divine intervention.

3. Immature
Naturally, women are wired to mature faster and subconsciously fashion a world where a family can thrive. However, life ocassionally throws you a shopaholic, bi-polar cry-baby who treats your female cousin like a potential concubine of yours. Calling such a girl a "working progress" is like calling Warren Buffet an old, little gambler who wears a bow-tie.

4. Holier Than Thou
Spirituality is a good aspect in a person because it tends to give one a moral compass in life. Regardless, too much of anything is poisonous. It is all fun and games until she forbids you from watching football with the boys and has you contributing a fortune to buy the pastor a mercedez benz to rival the probox you recently acquired on a fixed-asset loan. When that happens my dear brother, run!

5. Dumb
There is a reason they name a low intelligence quotient after a disabling human condition. In this category, let us just say that if brains were illegal, they would probably have a clear conscience. You see, beauty tramples brains any day but unless the lady is Beyoncé herself, you are better off with a prostitute. Ignorance may be bliss to the ignorant, but to others, it is just ignorance.
It is one thing to have had your knowledge never go to college and quite another to make your man believe that some village has actually lost its idiot.

6. Submissive
This may raise a few eyebrows because it is more tacky than it is repulsive.
As a general rule, men are conquerers and enjoy being in the driver's seat, both figuratively and literally.
However, asking to name your newborn after your favourite actor is quite different from asking if you can use the bathroom.
Okay, am stretching it a bit, but you get my point.

When all is said and done dear girls, each of you is tainted with one of the above flaws. However, what fortune for you that you can hide it from us for we blokes are not the sharpest tools in the box.