Letter to Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

I salute thee in the warmest of smiles that you should have come to expect from yours truly every time I set my eyes on you.

The first time I saw you was the best moment in my life. It was in the delivery room, and after all the teeth gnashing, sweating, death threats and the vicious abuse to my family and I from the woman whose hand I held, I ushered into the world the prettiest angel there ever will be.

My involvement in your life will be extremely significant and this will probably ruffle a few feathers in your tiara. Therefore, I have decided to give you a heads up just incase you decide that I don't love you anymore.

1. Social Life
By the time I allow you to read this article, you will no longer be fond of hanging out with daddy in malls, football stadiums and grocery stores because, embarrassment. Touché.

Your curfew will be a hardly negotiable dusk because the nightlife is for the ingrates, bimbos and low-lives. Since you will be neither, I presume that you will be happy to live by my reasonable rules.

2. Economic Life
I sincerely hope that I shall have taught you enough in life to realize that the search for possessions and money is not as important as contentment with the food on your plate, a roof over your head and as many clothes as possible for my baby girl. Oh! And shoes too.... I hear girls love those.

You will have to work for everything you get and learn that things do not always go your way, princess. If you fail, you will try again until you succeed and this will be the most painful part of living.

Regardless, you will never lack in anything for a true lady is never dependent on people who will love her conditionally.

It is not my wish that you turn out to be a spoilt brat but only when hell freezes over would I prefer a whoring debtor to a trust-fund for a daughter.

3. Education
First things first, I am not the kind of man that would supress my child's dreams and talents. In fact, I shall be the first to listen to your vocal skills or look at the terms of that modelling contract.

However, education will remain your first priority because daddy wants you to have something you can fall back on incase the dreams do not come to pass.

For hapiness is knowing that my princess can learn to use bargaining chips, pre-nuptial agreements and most importantly, her brain to her advantage.

4. Love Life
For the umpteenth time, let me begin by saying that the only boy I will ever be comfortable with you dating is one whose parents are called Joseph and Mary.

However, it will be my duty to meet you half-way and compromise on your dating scene.

I am not the most sentimental tool in the box but I promise to treat your tantrum throwing, nonesensical drama with the utmost respect and severity.

You might not yet realise this but most boys are reckless and diabolical. They will trample on your heart and make you decide that all men are dogs but thankfully I will be there to hold you and restore your hope in patriachy.

5. Matrimony
The day you get married will be one of the most paradoxical moments of my life.

On one hand, I shall be ecstatic that my baby girl has realized what every other girl dreams of from the age of five when I walk you down the aisle.

On the other hand, you will have to forgive me if I do not shed tears of joy for the fiendish smug little boy who will name my grand-children after his ungrateful parents.

I shall never warm up to your future husband no matter how much I approve of him because when all is said and done, I shall be more than willing to crush the rib he remained with if he ever lays a hand on my little princess.

6. Favouritism
By now, you already know that I love you more than life itself and you will be my most favoured child.

However, I sure hope that you will love me enough not to take advantage of my soft spot for you and become a short-wired narcissist.

It is unusual that I should have such a strong bond with my unborn child but that goes to show how much I will worship the ground you walk on.

Yours forever,
Daddy.

Matrimonial Rules

Dear Love,

As I skip the customary salutations, you are probably editing a photo of your boyfriend to post on instagram and flaunt him to your juvenile friends. You see, fate has a funny way of working itself out because, currently, with my pimpled face and progressive build, you would friendzone me at the snap of a finger because frankly, you are out of my league. However, there will come a time in your life when you realize that there are only so many David Beckhams in the world and yet you have to settle. However, I shan't be a last resort because by then your inner eyes will see my acumen and good looks for what they really are, priceless.

In light of this, I have decided to lay down a few ground-rules which you must know by heart and follow to the letter.

1. Wedlock
In the course of our courtship, you will be tempted to pressure me into proposing due to pressure from your fickle friends and your obnoxious mother of whom I shall fake total adoration but yield a deep detestment. Do not! I shall handle the proposal and it will be the best moment of your life. Trust me.

I shall leave all the wedding plans to you and shall not meddle unless you expressly ask me to because I shall pander to your every whim on that day. My only duty will be wearing whatever you desire (even though I'll hate it) and smiling for the camera because at the end of the day, it will be your special day (pun intended). Forgive me in advance for the security I might have hired to man-handle any ex flame who may choose to profess his love for you before I push that ring down your finger.

2. Event Co-ordination
First of all, being an equitable feministic individual, I shall not subrogate you to maid status. We shall share housework and compromise on all duties and chores because I shall have a partner, not a labourer.

Secondly, you should know that we shall have two children of opposite sexes... You are responsible for the boy whereas I only come in as a role model. The baby girl will be mine to handle and spoil.
Violence will be a last resort in disciplining my boy but no one is ever to strike the girl who will be named after my favourite football club, Chelsea.

3. Economics
I am a down to earth guy. Much like any other tertiary student, I do not plan to survive on food aid for the rest of my days but that does not mean that I wish to live like a king and have brats for children. Money means as little to me as yesterday's food and thus we shall have a simple home, car and life.
It is my wish that you are not a housewife and that you make something of your life, because you will have unimaginable potential.
My duty will be to ensure that all the bills are paid and yours will be to co-ordinate the nitty gritties of life.
As absurd as this may sound, I shall not care if you make more money than I do....money comes and goes, and that's all she wrote.

4. Social Lives
For the sake of peace and harmony, I prefer it if we keep our social lives distinct and separate because I think our interests are worlds apart.

Right now I think that the girl of my dreams is seated in front of a game console wearing nothing but hot pants and a vest but what do I know?

Please develop an interest in arts, fashion pottery or painting nails because a heated debate about football usually ends with a black eye.

As harsh as it sounds, football will always come first in my life hence you better start making good with the concubine.

5. Wearing Pants
Family will always come first and mine is not to be trifled with. Just to be clear, you will be my family and I shall defend you and the children with my life. Our boy will have to fight his own little battles and learn to deal with life as it is. The apple rarely falls far from the tree hence he will be his own man.

However, my mother is also my family and you will try to meet her half-way for my sake. I shan't interfere in your squabbles but I hope you will always know where you stand with me.

6. Wandering Eye
The fact that I have chosen you as my life partner implies that I think of all other women as either bimbos or sisters of mine. I would appreciate the reciprocation of such faithfulness.

Despite being well out of your league, you will have undying loyalty for me and inform me of any advances made at you, and I shall give the home-wreckers free dentist appointments.

In this regard, we shall have no trust issues and therefore no reason to invade each others' privacy.

7. Till Death Parts Us
I shan't lie to you, there will be conflicts, disagreements and vicious fights between us. This very letter may actually be the cause of our first one and even act as a smoke screen for your future tantrums.

There will however be no fighting in front of the children and all the clashes will go on in the bedroom...(wink).

When all is said and done, from the moment I'll say I do, I'll really do.

Keep well and if you, by any chance, think of cutting your long hair, the receipient of this letter will be a totally different damsel in distress. No pressure though...

Yours truly,
Le Future Boo.

Sexual Innuendo

I would not be caught dead listening to radio talk shows for reasons best discussed in another article. However, I cannot help but marvel at comments from people who are from a different class of stupid.

So this evening on Classic 105 FM I heard a man say, ".....women are meant to be submissive. It is in the Bible. Just you look at the homes in which women submit to their husbands, they always do well...."

I weep for his grammatical trial and error because the much he probably learnt was wearing his pants one leg at a time.

Do not get me wrong, I do not disagree with the truism in his saying that a religious book says so. Ephesians 5:24 "Now as the Church submits to Christ, so too should wives submit to their husbands in everything." However, it is very hypocritical for men to overlook those verses that do not benefit them and vice versa. Do not forget that in the same good book in 1 Peter 2:18 it is written, "Slaves, submit to your masters in all respect, not only to thise who are good and considerate, but to also those who are harsh."

It is neither my intention nor my business to dispute Bible verses but I make it my business to speak against the hypocrisy that is the cancer of religions today. That is to say that some religious people actually use their knowledge of religious books to exert their superiority over others. I read the paper's daily forex reports, but that hardly makes me a stock broker.

Moreover, I believe the greatest commandment is to love thy neighbour as you love yourself which corresponds to the golden rule of do unto others...

Unfortunately, this is a double-edged sword in which the women are all too willing to roll over and bend over backwards for men. Becoming a second wife or taking the ocassional slap is considered being tolerant and abiding. However, until these women remove the albatross across their necks (patriachy), I am at my wits end on remedying such level of stupidity.

That male stupidity should thrive because most women under-estimate themselves is in itself the greatest matrimonial injustice today.

Beggars and Choosers

I do not usually degrade myself to the point of hanging around crowds in the aftermath of a scene or whatever else it is the idlers congregate to see. However, this one was different. His eyes appeared weak but content as he lay on the first lane, blood oozing from the side of his mouth. His pupils seemed to move in a circular motion and then rested due North. His eyes smiled..

I pretended not to listen as the crowdy bus stop began to recount the events prior to the hit and run incident. "He was crossing at a blind spot and ignored the repetitive horn blowing..." One woman started. "No, no...." Another man argued, "The driver of the Toyota Mark X failed to give way at that zebra crossing where he was hit... These drivers are killers!" He continued, now sounding envious of people who had their own cars.

You see, I was among the few who had actually witnessed everything but knew better than to argue with a woman holding a degree in discrimination and a man with a masters in jealousy. I prefer to stand a few metres away from the bus stop so that I can beckon matatus like rich people do taxis.....and that was where it happened, right before my eyes.

He was what most of you refer to as a raggamuffin, a hobo, a bum, name it! Unkempt dreadlocks, a bruised face probably missing a few teeth, rags for clothes and a worn out pair of shoes and a lack of their trademark sacs probably made him an upperclass bum. Well, the bum was there and then at the brink of death and it got me thinking...

First, why did the driver not stop after he had hit the homeless man? Sure, the state would bring charges against him/her faster than a goldigger can say "I do" but clearly he seemed resourceful (he was a man in his mid-forties with an oversize belly so that cancels out chauffeur) enough to come out unscathed against the "nobody" he had just hit. Moreover, the tag man-slaughterer is softer than a hit and run murderer. However, maybe the assailant was a criminal who had dodged the bullet of adding on to his wrapsheet. Touché.

Second, why was no one willing to assist the victim after he was hit and left for dead? At this point I cannot stop myself from sounding like a complete hypocrite but something about doing as I say and not as I do comes to mind. I imagined if I had been the victim and thought that people would have come running to my aid. They would even not have let the hit and run driver get away....no way in hell! They would have beaten the living daylights out of him and proceeded to tax him for the beating they had rendered him with. Very few would help me out of the kindness of their hearts while more would do it hoping that I came from a well-off family who would make good of their investment. A larger number would come to the aid of my pockets but when all's said and done, good samaritans exist, but only when your hygiene and fashion sense are decent.

Third, I wondered why the man had jumped in front of a speeding vehicle. Whether he had a death wish or not is not in question but why did he have to go in such a crude and vile way? Did he not know traffic rules owing to his clear illiteracy? Perhaps he was tired. Tired of having nothing to eat snd still having to wake up to the same early morning sun that shone on rich people. Perhaps he had grown tired of being looked at like he was a weed in a flower garden that made all the roses look bad. Therefore he stepped in front of a vehicle at 80km/h because he could not stand to live the same day for years.

Fourth, I wondered what I had to contribute to the demise of the unpromising young man. Perhaps all the bums need is a little of our pocket change in their donation collection cups and a smile  to encourage them that each day need not be like their previous ones. I may never get to know what was going through the disturbed man's mind but one thing I do know is that one smile could have completely altered his life. Throughout the experience, only when the man was hit was he able to conjure up a smile....The smile that probably evaded him most of his life.

As more people gathered around the bus stop - turned - amusement park, a matatu came to a halt a few yards away from me. I grabbed my phone and marvelled at the time. Time flies, I should too...

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

In came Kathleen, her confidant and best friend who somewhat gave a vibe of envy towards Elaine although the latter reconciled herself that her friend meant well, it was flattering even, for no one envies just a nobody.

Indeed, all the pleasantries were long overdue and as she poured herself a drink, she listened as Elaine began to bubble on vividly about the shenanigans of her offspring. "You won't believe what my handsome little devil of a son has been up to," she narrated... "Which one?" Kathleen cut in and they laughed hysterically. "Ironically, the sweet Ethan," she continued, "He was suspended for starting a fight in school. He won't tell me what it is about either. Physically, he is fine although I cannot say the same for the other poor boy." "Boys will be boys. Go Ethan! That ought to earn him some points with the girls though," Kathleen joked as Elaine playfully slapped her on her shoulder.

They carried on with their chitchat, talking about this and that. They talked about outfits, events and weekend parties at trending clubs, men and everything else under the sun really. Time flew when these two got together. Sometimes they would talk late into the night and sleep where they sat. They were so accustomed to each other that they shared all their secrets. They could care less about the notion that a secret shared is a secret lost and with alcohol to drown their issues, they'd found a perfect trio.

Neither of them had a husband, only the occasional one-night stands and the seasonal boyfriends. What they had was happiness. They did not endure the baggage that came along with having husbands like their acquaintances did. They were independent, a little promiscuous and best of all, free from patronizing better halves.

Elaine almost missed the ring in her pocket as the vodka was beginning to take its toll on her. Luckily, the accompanying vibrations tickled her tender thigh and she reached for her phone.

She flashed the now brightly lit phone at her friend's face to blatantly show her the "private number" tag on the caller identity. As was their custom, she hollered in her drunken voice, "Wonder-woman speaking, just who the fuck are you?" The voice on the other end must have uttered about three words but they were enough to make her drop her phone to the floor and sober up immediately.

A bewildered Kathleen could not make heads or tails of it all and she was feeling groggy anyway. Elaine watched her calm friend doze off on the coffee table. She could not even blink, let alone sleep. She stared deep into oblivion and putting on her brave, 'can-do' attitude face, gulped the remainder of both vodka drinks and winced, now cutting a more desperate look.

Drops of sweat paradoxically fell from her forehead in the cold of the night. She tried to mutter words but none was forthcoming. Holding on to one glass, she almost did notice it breaking at the strength of her firm grip. As she removed pieces of glass from her palm, she could only mutter, "No....It can't be."

But, it was.....and it glared at her eyes, scathing down her throat snd scorching deep in her soul.

"He is coming, he is coming, he is coming," Elaine shuddered.

This is an excerpt from my incomplete novel "One Foot." Feel free to leave a comment.

Finding Mrs. Right

My malleable mind has convinced my lower body parts that finding the perfect woman is all but a dwindling myth. For a perfect woman should only be ble to put up with perfection, not withstand a polarized enigma like yours truly. However, I speak for the lot of us when I assert that we men cannot just settle for any female username on twitter.

1. Long Hair
This is far-fetched and I bet my post is getting sneers and jeers as I go along but every guy should fall in love with long hair because, commitment.

2. Shorter
Notice how subtle i was in highlighting it in the comparative. The rationale behind this is that a family picture album where the man of the house looks like the first born son will not be the first thing you think to give visitors on their arrival because, pity.

3. Unestablished
I will not lie, a deep-pocketed lady appeals to the cradle of our souls but as with temptations, they have to be overcomed. It is divine when you both hit things off with nothing. Men are inherently hunters, and (pardon my apathy, feminists) a more powerful woman only makes us docile, we hate that! My heart weeps for the rich women looking for true love, for without swiss accounts, livelihood degradation and absolute humility, you might as well be a cougar on a teenage online dating site.

4. Spontaneous
There are two reasons I do not cheat on my girlfriend. First, her mystery and spontaneity keeps me intrigued and away from the unknown girls because there is this one I'm yet to know. Secondly, I do not have a girlfriend......but you understand where I'm going with this.

5. From a Parallel Universe
That men are from Mars and women from Venus only goes to show how men should appreciate stark differences between sexes and fish in the deepest of seas. For example, when a man who is a well-known chatterbox befriends a pretty parrot, the relationship becomes nothing but noise pollution. Conversely, sign language makes for a rather dull pairing with all due respect to the disabled.

Notwithstanding, opening the pandora's box that is a girl matching the above criteria may only fuel anguish, stigmatization and suicides because when all is said and done, she may not love you back.....or worse. Ofcourse there is worse! You could turn out to be the best friend that holds her purse while she runs to hug her crush. Tough times brothers, tough times.

The World's a Stage

Lights, camera.....action! The media is a buzz with the important things as usual, which is expected really. We have not even had enough of the mirth created by the former Prime Minister being given a trip down memory lane back to primary school's best corporal strokes. Our dear President unceremoniously relinquished his post to his second in command and with it, the status quo among his peers. Call it humility, bravery or whatever you may but the melancholy feeling created by a president of a free state binding himself in aristocratic chains is as humiliating as a clergyman soliciting sexual favours. It is a private issue which our genius legislators have made out to be public (despite his excellency privatizing the issue....kudos Mr. President) shamelessly. They are travelling to the Hague at their personal expense (we know all too well how accountably they utilise public revenue) to "support" their leader.

Then there is the growing trend of the intriguing South Africa's court cases. First there was Oscar Pistorious; the trigger-happy hopeless romantic fired four shots through a bathroom door to protect himself and his 'out of his league' girlfriend from "intruders" in the dead of the night. Anyway, a few calculated tears in front of the cameras and a wheelchair got him off the hook for his conditioned reflex.

Now South Africa's Got Talent - read court cases - have conjured up another classic in the Dewani case. Justice delayed is surely justice denied as the bisexual who enjoys humiliating sex whereby he is slapped in sacred places and racially abused looks to be getting away with killing the love of his life. Unlike the Pistorious case which was aired worldwide, this one will surely be hush-hush because the accused has no mental stability. How very morbid.

I would surely sell myself short if I failed to highlight on the whole ebola fiasco. Unfortunately, it has received more attention on twitter than in the medical field, because people are more interested in humour than healing societal tumours. Shame! It is all fun and games until it actually spreads to our miraa republic.

When all is said and done, the things that matter most get the least news coverage and vice versa. C'est la vie. Horny teenagers and nosy job-seeking internet browsers could care less about poverty, ignorance and disease. All is right with the world. After all, the world's a stage.