Letter to Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

I salute thee in the warmest of smiles that you should have come to expect from yours truly every time I set my eyes on you.

The first time I saw you was the best moment in my life. It was in the delivery room, and after all the teeth gnashing, sweating, death threats and the vicious abuse to my family and I from the woman whose hand I held, I ushered into the world the prettiest angel there ever will be.

My involvement in your life will be extremely significant and this will probably ruffle a few feathers in your tiara. Therefore, I have decided to give you a heads up just incase you decide that I don't love you anymore.

1. Social Life
By the time I allow you to read this article, you will no longer be fond of hanging out with daddy in malls, football stadiums and grocery stores because, embarrassment. Touché.

Your curfew will be a hardly negotiable dusk because the nightlife is for the ingrates, bimbos and low-lives. Since you will be neither, I presume that you will be happy to live by my reasonable rules.

2. Economic Life
I sincerely hope that I shall have taught you enough in life to realize that the search for possessions and money is not as important as contentment with the food on your plate, a roof over your head and as many clothes as possible for my baby girl. Oh! And shoes too.... I hear girls love those.

You will have to work for everything you get and learn that things do not always go your way, princess. If you fail, you will try again until you succeed and this will be the most painful part of living.

Regardless, you will never lack in anything for a true lady is never dependent on people who will love her conditionally.

It is not my wish that you turn out to be a spoilt brat but only when hell freezes over would I prefer a whoring debtor to a trust-fund for a daughter.

3. Education
First things first, I am not the kind of man that would supress my child's dreams and talents. In fact, I shall be the first to listen to your vocal skills or look at the terms of that modelling contract.

However, education will remain your first priority because daddy wants you to have something you can fall back on incase the dreams do not come to pass.

For hapiness is knowing that my princess can learn to use bargaining chips, pre-nuptial agreements and most importantly, her brain to her advantage.

4. Love Life
For the umpteenth time, let me begin by saying that the only boy I will ever be comfortable with you dating is one whose parents are called Joseph and Mary.

However, it will be my duty to meet you half-way and compromise on your dating scene.

I am not the most sentimental tool in the box but I promise to treat your tantrum throwing, nonesensical drama with the utmost respect and severity.

You might not yet realise this but most boys are reckless and diabolical. They will trample on your heart and make you decide that all men are dogs but thankfully I will be there to hold you and restore your hope in patriachy.

5. Matrimony
The day you get married will be one of the most paradoxical moments of my life.

On one hand, I shall be ecstatic that my baby girl has realized what every other girl dreams of from the age of five when I walk you down the aisle.

On the other hand, you will have to forgive me if I do not shed tears of joy for the fiendish smug little boy who will name my grand-children after his ungrateful parents.

I shall never warm up to your future husband no matter how much I approve of him because when all is said and done, I shall be more than willing to crush the rib he remained with if he ever lays a hand on my little princess.

6. Favouritism
By now, you already know that I love you more than life itself and you will be my most favoured child.

However, I sure hope that you will love me enough not to take advantage of my soft spot for you and become a short-wired narcissist.

It is unusual that I should have such a strong bond with my unborn child but that goes to show how much I will worship the ground you walk on.

Yours forever,
Daddy.