Matrimonial Rules

Dear Love,

As I skip the customary salutations, you are probably editing a photo of your boyfriend to post on instagram and flaunt him to your juvenile friends. You see, fate has a funny way of working itself out because, currently, with my pimpled face and progressive build, you would friendzone me at the snap of a finger because frankly, you are out of my league. However, there will come a time in your life when you realize that there are only so many David Beckhams in the world and yet you have to settle. However, I shan't be a last resort because by then your inner eyes will see my acumen and good looks for what they really are, priceless.

In light of this, I have decided to lay down a few ground-rules which you must know by heart and follow to the letter.

1. Wedlock
In the course of our courtship, you will be tempted to pressure me into proposing due to pressure from your fickle friends and your obnoxious mother of whom I shall fake total adoration but yield a deep detestment. Do not! I shall handle the proposal and it will be the best moment of your life. Trust me.

I shall leave all the wedding plans to you and shall not meddle unless you expressly ask me to because I shall pander to your every whim on that day. My only duty will be wearing whatever you desire (even though I'll hate it) and smiling for the camera because at the end of the day, it will be your special day (pun intended). Forgive me in advance for the security I might have hired to man-handle any ex flame who may choose to profess his love for you before I push that ring down your finger.

2. Event Co-ordination
First of all, being an equitable feministic individual, I shall not subrogate you to maid status. We shall share housework and compromise on all duties and chores because I shall have a partner, not a labourer.

Secondly, you should know that we shall have two children of opposite sexes... You are responsible for the boy whereas I only come in as a role model. The baby girl will be mine to handle and spoil.
Violence will be a last resort in disciplining my boy but no one is ever to strike the girl who will be named after my favourite football club, Chelsea.

3. Economics
I am a down to earth guy. Much like any other tertiary student, I do not plan to survive on food aid for the rest of my days but that does not mean that I wish to live like a king and have brats for children. Money means as little to me as yesterday's food and thus we shall have a simple home, car and life.
It is my wish that you are not a housewife and that you make something of your life, because you will have unimaginable potential.
My duty will be to ensure that all the bills are paid and yours will be to co-ordinate the nitty gritties of life.
As absurd as this may sound, I shall not care if you make more money than I do....money comes and goes, and that's all she wrote.

4. Social Lives
For the sake of peace and harmony, I prefer it if we keep our social lives distinct and separate because I think our interests are worlds apart.

Right now I think that the girl of my dreams is seated in front of a game console wearing nothing but hot pants and a vest but what do I know?

Please develop an interest in arts, fashion pottery or painting nails because a heated debate about football usually ends with a black eye.

As harsh as it sounds, football will always come first in my life hence you better start making good with the concubine.

5. Wearing Pants
Family will always come first and mine is not to be trifled with. Just to be clear, you will be my family and I shall defend you and the children with my life. Our boy will have to fight his own little battles and learn to deal with life as it is. The apple rarely falls far from the tree hence he will be his own man.

However, my mother is also my family and you will try to meet her half-way for my sake. I shan't interfere in your squabbles but I hope you will always know where you stand with me.

6. Wandering Eye
The fact that I have chosen you as my life partner implies that I think of all other women as either bimbos or sisters of mine. I would appreciate the reciprocation of such faithfulness.

Despite being well out of your league, you will have undying loyalty for me and inform me of any advances made at you, and I shall give the home-wreckers free dentist appointments.

In this regard, we shall have no trust issues and therefore no reason to invade each others' privacy.

7. Till Death Parts Us
I shan't lie to you, there will be conflicts, disagreements and vicious fights between us. This very letter may actually be the cause of our first one and even act as a smoke screen for your future tantrums.

There will however be no fighting in front of the children and all the clashes will go on in the bedroom...(wink).

When all is said and done, from the moment I'll say I do, I'll really do.

Keep well and if you, by any chance, think of cutting your long hair, the receipient of this letter will be a totally different damsel in distress. No pressure though...

Yours truly,
Le Future Boo.